ACT 10: Can I Make You Laugh?: I will clear you.

 Before we proceed:

This is partly fictional as some parts actually happened, but details are changed to enhance the comedic effect. 

It is also not intended to offend, but if you get offended, you probably are in the wrong.

Any resemblance to actual people or events is absolutely coincidental. 

Now... Let's goooo.

Round of applause as the lights come on.

*voiceover*
For the final show in the year 2020... I present an afternoon of comedy tagged: Can I make you laugh?

It promises to be great, unless it sucks, which I doubt it would, but that's not the point. Keep scrolling, keep your eyes peeled for the punchlines and if you don't laugh... I mean... I tried.

Without further ado, I present... Me!

Curtains open

Background music: If you leave, girl, I'll swear for you, cos all the money I don spend on you...

I walk out to the mic... I hear applause in my head even though I know you ain't clapping.

Omooooo. Aya mi n ja, baby. Mosunmola, baby o...

Wahala for who never see say cruise na the way right now o.

😂

Applause.

Wow. It is the final day in the year 2020. Yes, we have made it this far. 

We lost a lot of people along the way, whether close to us or unknown to us, be it to accidents, illnesses, natural disasters, the pandemic, police brutality, human stupidity and inhumanity, and many other forces...

May their souls rest in perfect peace. 🕊️✨

Another round of applause.

To those of us who are still here, big ups to you. I know some are barely keeping it together, and there are some that are still keeping their heads up... I see you all. Y'all are valid.

Now, in an attempt to give you a good day, what do you say we try to bring some fun into your day with another afternoon of comedy?

Cheers from the audience

How could this possibly go wrong? 😂

I sip from my red cup that is filled with pepsi. I set the cup down on the stool and take the mic off the mic stand.

Alright...

Full disclaimer: this episode isn't fully comedic.

The material for this show is one I was holding myself back from using, because me being me, I'm a trouble maker, and the material for this show is more likely to get me in trouble, than make you laugh, but hey...

It's December. (Only few people will get this punchline right now, but at the end of the show, you all should).

It's going to be a mixed bag, so pick your poison.

😂

So, I used to have anger issues, and I say used to because I'm working on it, but you see 2020? It decided to give me a test at every single opportunity it got.

First test: someone called me a dickhead.

😱. I know, right? You're probably thinking 'how could someone possibly call this sweet, charming and caring young man a dickhead?'

😂

Mafọ. You and I know that's not what you're thinking.

You're probably like 'the person didn't lie', and to be honest, I usually have no qualms with being called a dickhead. Heck, I sometimes add it when I'm introducing myself. 

'Hey, I'm David. I'm tall, dark and handsome (😎), really smart, multi-talented, nicely mean and can be a dickhead a lot of the time.'

I know. The only thing I won't have is someone calling me a dickhead when I wasn't being a dickhead.

That's how I was tryna be helpful and this personality decided to call me a dickhead.

Omo, e shock me😭😂

I was like...

Ehn? Me! 

But then I surprisingly replied the individual without insulting back.

Guess what? That was January.

Fast forward to December and cha-ching!

😂😂😂

See ehn... The explanation is easy.

January to November, I'm nice, but I'll still clear you if you overdo. I just won't be wicked.

But you see December? Wahala for who wan misbehave o 😂. I will clear you so hard 😭

Why? Simple.

I'm making it easier for those in the scissors gang to make their decision 😂

I don't hold back, unless I'm on a group chat, and I feel it should make things faster for those that wait till December to cut people off.

But don't think I'm being unnecessarily wicked just for the fun of it o.

Nah.

You see... I hate stupidity, and when it starts to near me, I first try to avoid, but if it says it wants to continue coming my way...

Don't worry. In 2021, I'll do a bit on how to clapback, because some people are lacking the know-how 😂

Imagine broke shaming in 2020? 

Like legit I was told by someone that if I keep begging, I'll find money to buy biscuit 😭

I've endured a lot of rubbish sha 😂  but e go be.

Sips from my cup of pepsi.

What else happened this month of December?

I got into about 3 or 4 arguments in this one month alone 😂

I admit, I enjoy these arguments more than I should. 😂 Times when I should ignore, I just go...

Why? Because the more you ignore some of the stupid shit people do, the more stupid shit they do.

To that one person who knows to ask for translation, but won't give it: mo ṣì ni ẹ lori list mi. Mafọ. Mo ma ba ẹ fa ọrọ yẹn. Ṣebi o sọ pé ó fẹ ma ṣe bo ṣe wù ẹ.

If you don't understand the context of that last paragraph... Problem, problem. Another problem 😂 if you do, avoid me 🌚

😂

Some of you are probably reading this and thinking 'this guy is just a troublemaker.'

Well...

...

...

...

Yes o. I am. 

I do have rules I follow sha. Number 1 is, never throw the first punch. 2 is, give them warning. 3 is, go for the jugular. 😂

1 gives me room for the argument of self-defence, but I rarely ever use that argument. 2 gives room to say I warned them. 3 is just for the carnage.

2020: Violenz ear and dear 😂.

😂😂😂

Sorry, guys. Y'all getting this because I don't have any Garri material to run with 😂

But, yh, I didn't make only enemies this year tho. I made some buddies.

Shout-out to the boys on STREETS! 😂 4 of us have more misbehaving to do in 2021.

Sips from my cup of pepsi, again.

How about one last story and we wrap it up?

Cheers and applause

Alright...

Staying with the theme of It's December 😂...

A girl that I'd been texting with consistently for about two months texted me out of the blue one day and asked 'what would you do if you think someone likes you, but you're not interested?'

Any month of the year, my answer to that is 'plis, fokoff. This road you're trying to ply is not available. Try again never.'

But for some reason, I decided to be nice. You know, how would the guy feel and all. So I said... 'just tell him that you're not certain, but you feel like he likes you. That you care about him, but that's all it is.'

Then she goes 'so something like, hi, I wanted to tell you something. I can't say for sure, but I feel like you like like me, but I don't feel the same way about you. I care for you though.'

I was like it'll work.

Then she goes 'I just did it '

Now, I knew what she did, because I've done it before, except I used it to tell the person I have a crush on her 😂

But I decided to act clueless. What do you mean?

She goes 'You're the guy. You're always replying fast, you always offer to help and stuff. I just felt you wouldn't do these unless you like me.'

😂 O ma ṣe ọ😂 In my head, I was like...

I simply told her two things. 

First, don't assume I like you till I say I do. If you assume, problem ti ẹ nìyẹn o 😂. Lastly, no way I gave off the impression that I like you.

Why? Because when they were tryna give Santa a laugh, they thought of me.

I'm a Ho, times three 😎

😂😂😂 Like I said at the start... Wahala for who never see say cruise na the way now o. 😂

Applause.

Thank you! Thank you!

Background music: Ye ma sun, gba ko jẹ hain. Yé ma sun, bẹrẹ jo hain. Rẹgbẹdigbẹdigbẹ, rẹgbẹrẹgbẹrẹgbẹ hain. Rẹgbẹdigbẹdigbẹ, rẹgbẹrẹgbẹrẹgbẹ...

It's been a wonderful show and it's been quite the year.

I want to say thank you once again to everyone who has been at every show. Y'all keep me going. The comments on here, the reactions in my DMs and in person... It's just so nice to see that you're running with this, as weird as it might be.

Thank you once again!

Please, leave your comments and share to your friends so they can laugh too.

I love you all. Love yourself, show some love, and don't forget that God loves you.

See y'all in 2021!

Ciao.

Rousing applause as I walk off stage.