ACT 5: Can I Make You Laugh?: Cause of death is...

Before we proceed:

This is completely fictional. It is also not intended to offend. Any resemblance to actual people or events is absolutely coincidental. Also, I reject evil for us all in Jesus name, Amen.

Let's goooo.

Round of applause as the lights come on.

*voiceover*
For the first time in a really long time... I present an afternoon of comedy tagged: Can I make you laugh?

It promises to be great, unless it sucks, which I doubt it would, but that's not the point. Keep scrolling, keep your eyes peeled for the punchlines and if you don't laugh... I mean... I tried.

Without further ado, I present... Me!

Curtains open

Background music: she no like garanati (groundnut), but she go chop am if you give am cucumber...

I walk out to the mic... I hear applause in my head even though I know you ain't clapping.

Hello! Wow. It's been a long time. It's been almost five months since I last headlined a show. 

Have you missed me?

Y'all probably haven't, but you nod anyway.

Awwwwn.

I've gotten so much support and love in the past and now, I'm here to see if I can actually be consistent. There are tables to be broken, smiles to be cleared, ribs to be cracked and hearts to be melted, and today, I aim to continue my weird act... written stand-up comedy.

For those of you that are new, Let me explain!

Basically, I consider myself a funny guy. If you know me and you're being honest with yourself, you know I'm funny 🌚

I have this uncanny ability to make jokes of things that happen without missing a beat and I also give beautiful punchlines.

So... Like a normal person, I thought about this and did what everyone would do... I decided to try stand-up and not just regular stand-up, I went for the written one.

Another round of applause.

The trick here is to make you laugh with the use of words and emojis. Regular comedians have the luxury of intonation, facial expression and body language, but I just have words.

How could this possibly go wrong? 😂

I sip from my red cup that is filled with pepsi. I set the cup down on the stool and take the mic off the mic stand.

Alright...

Not to sound grim straight off the bat, but have you ever thought of how you'll die? I know a lot of us will like the painless route: sleep and never wake up, but have you ever wondered about the dumb ways you could possibly go out? 😂

Hear me out. Imagine everyone that dies gets a special news report or announcement, detailing their age, time of death and cause of death.

Be like...

"...and we now bring you this special report of a new death. Adam Eve has just left this cruel world. He was aged 92. He died at 3:34 a.m. Cause of death is unknown: he died in his sleep."

I thought of some dumb ways to go out and... 😂😂😂

"We're getting news that a certain Lai Buhari (🥴) has just died. He was aged 24. He died at 6:08 p.m. Cause of death is... (confused pause) careless capping. Well, apparently he said he had selina and was ready to suck caprisun." Reporter sighs. "We must remind you to be careful where you say these slangs."

😂😂😂

"Please, listen to this announcement. Prince King is dead. He was aged 69. He died at 7:35 p.m. Cause of death is... (stifled chuckle) 69 gone wrong."

😂😂😂

This last one is my absolute favourite. It's one that I keep fearing cos of how many times I'm in the situation, but God is good. 😂

"Before we proceed, we must inform you that Madeaux Ellemefayo has just passed away. She was aged 22. She died at 12:30 a.m. Cause of death is asphyxiation... (Pause) more details are coming in from the autopsy report and we can now specify that she died from choking on... (Uncontrollable laughter)

(More laughter)

...Garri. For fuck's sake. 😂"

I don't know if it's just me, but when I drink Garri and it feels like it's stuck in my chest, I panic and start trying to swallow more Garri to force it all down. 😂 It's only later that I remember that water is the solution.

Every damn time. 😂

I'll be struggling to breath and I won't drink water until I think of what would be on the autopsy report. Can't be looking like a fool on the M.E's table. 😂

Round of applause.

Background music: I can feel the vibration of your body moving o...

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

It's been a wonderful show. I hope you laughed and had an all around great time reading this.

Please, leave your comments and share to your friends so they can laugh too.

I love you all. Love yourself, show some love, and don't forget that God loves you.

Also, #EndSARS. 💪🏽

Ciao.

Rousing applause as I walk off stage.