ACT 7: Can I Make You Laugh?: Okay, That's Weird...

Before we proceed:

This is completely fictional. It is also not intended to offend. Any resemblance to actual people or events is absolutely coincidental. 

Let's goooo.

Round of applause as the lights come on.

*voiceover*
For the first, and probably only, show this week... I present an afternoon of comedy tagged: Can I make you laugh?

It promises to be great, unless it sucks, which I doubt it would, but that's not the point. Keep scrolling, keep your eyes peeled for the punchlines and if you don't laugh... I mean... I tried.

Without further ado, I present... Me!

Curtains open

Background music: O shock wan bakan, Bad Boy Timz in the building. Spiritual, Ginger. Loading, Loading, Loading, Loading...

I walk out to the mic... I hear applause in my head even though I know you ain't clapping.

Hello! Wow. It is a new week and things are already occuring. We had the second wave of the offline #EndSARS protests start yesterday, rain fell for the first time in a long time yesterday as well, some people had to deal with mud or/and traffic this morning... It's a Iot going on. I see you all and I must say, you're trying.

Another round of applause.

What do you say we try to bring some fun into your day with another afternoon of comedy?

Cheers from the audience

How could this possibly go wrong? 😂

I sip from my red cup that is filled with pepsi. I set the cup down on the stool and take the mic off the mic stand.

Alright...

First things first... I'm still reeling from not drawing that much of a crowd to the last show. My one consolation is that those who saw it liked it and some even decided to try it out.

That brings me to the second thing on the agenda... some of you think I'm joking. 😂😂😂 I am, but I'm not 😂 Deal with the ensuing confusion. I am competitive and I tend to overdo. I've said my own now o.

That's how I was talking to my babe about how Lion's just go about with nothing but murder and vibes in their head, and she said she doesn't know what to say to me. 

Me, being the smooth operator that I am, I said "how about you say 'I love you'?" 

Can you believe that she said "that's what you said"?

E shock you. 😂😂😂 

I was like...

Babe, I know you're viewing this show. This is to let you know that I've put a big target on your back 😂😂😂.

Applause.

Thank you.

I take another sip from my cup.

So, to today's main agenda. 

I don't know if it's just me, but I don't understand kinks. I know what they are, I know some people like them... I just don't get why. 😂 

I'm not judging anyone, yh... I'm just like... I can't see myself wanting to be tied up. 

Like why restrict my movement? Are you planning on sacrificing me after? Or you're planning to harvest my organs? This one that price of kidney has gone up, nobody can be trusted.

If we're about to play Scrabble (🥴) and you near me with rope, my dia, I will comot your teeth.

😂 Imagine this scenario: you met a cute guy, y'all been texting and he's okay with roleplay and trying stuff, so you invite him over and you're like, aii, I'm going to surprise this guy. You dress up as a police officer and you're going to handcuff him when he comes in.

You have that picture in your head?

Good.

Now, you hear a knock on the door, you say come in and he enters. 

You go "put your hands up. You're under arrest. Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in the court of law!"

You're charged. You've played your part to perfection and you got to say those three lines from that detective show you like watching that just flips your switch 😂

You go to handcuff him and he kneels, puts his hands behind his back, and all the while he's saying "what have I done now? I swear I'm innocent. I ain't dealing no more. I only came here cos a cute girl invited me over. You got the wrong guy. I swear" and he's sounding so broken and like he's about to cry.

You explain that it's you, and after a while of talking, you find out he's an ex-con with mild PTSD and instead of getting an orgasm, you're there playing a makeshift therapist.

Not that it's wrong to help a friend out, beht Gbogbo eleyii o necesstri.😂

Just be like me. Be a passionate lover. I just want to kiss, cuddle and knack. O tan. 😂

All the kinky kini is not in my line of sight or thought.

And so far, nobody has tried to get me to do kinky stuff. 

I like that.

That is until last Saturday, after the show.

You know I told y'all I was going to link up with the girl from the cartoon shoot. Yeah, we met and we were having a great time playing Scrabble.

Then she goes "choke me."

I pause. In my head I'm like "okay, that's weird", cos I surely didn't sign up for Murder 101.

So, I'm there like...

And she says it again. "Choke me."

...

...

...

...

So, I went to make Garri for her.

😂😂😂

Sorry... Garri is going to be part of my material for some time 😂

I give her the garri and she's like "you're local."

And me being me, I say "wahala doth bear resemblace with bicycles."

She looks lost. 

She says "what is that?"

I go "It is 'Wahala be like bicycle' that grew up in the Victorian Era. Apparently, you're local too."

I can't be tensioned, dorling.

Background music: Pepper dem, Bolanle pepper dem o. Pepper dem, Bolanle pepper dem o...

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

It's been a wonderful show. I hope you laughed and had an all around great time reading this.

Please, leave your comments and share to your friends so they can laugh too.

I love you all. Love yourself, show some love, and don't forget that God loves you.

Also, #EndSARS. 💪🏽

See y'all at the next show!

Ciao.

Rousing applause as I walk off stage.