ACT 8: Can I Make You Laugh?: Am I Weird?

 Before we proceed:

This is completely fictional. It is also not intended to offend. Any resemblance to actual people or events is absolutely coincidental. 

Let's goooo.

Round of applause as the lights come on.

*voiceover*
For the first, and probably only, show this week... I present an afternoon of comedy tagged: Can I make you laugh?

It promises to be great, unless it sucks, which I doubt it would, but that's not the point. Keep scrolling, keep your eyes peeled for the punchlines and if you don't laugh... I mean... I tried.

Without further ado, I present... Me!

Curtains open

Background music: If you wan make I ginger, give me the kọkọrọ, ma kan jẹ bi jollof. Anywhere I go, jẹ kan mọ pe mo ma gbọmọ lọ. No dey do like bolo...

I walk out to the mic... I hear applause in my head even though I know you ain't clapping.

Pele o. Gbọmọ gbọmọ. Anywhere you go, Ka jẹ kan mọ pe o ma gbọmọ lo. Osheyyy. Burna is the new Evans.

😂 The lyrics these guys have ehn...

Applause

Anyway... Hello! Wow. It is a new week and trust me, I want it to end too, but just because Saturday brings a lot of possibilities with it. Most important one is, myself and a bunch of writer buddies are gonna be hanging out (under Covid-19 protective measures, of course 🌚) and it's something I've been looking forward to.

Another round of applause.

But enough with that. What do you say we try to bring some fun into your day with another afternoon of comedy?

Cheers from the audience

How could this possibly go wrong? 😂

I sip from my red cup that is filled with pepsi. I set the cup down on the stool and take the mic off the mic stand.

Alright...

You know, I've been told I'm a weird person, and to be honest, I can agree with that to an extent. I mean, look at the previous posts, but I thought about it, and I'm like... A lot of the things I do seem normal to me, so how about I cast myself, and y'all tell me if I'm weird?

The loudest applause y'all have ever given me.

Y'all are way too excited.

😂

Anyway... I know y'all probably tired of my garri material, but, endure it, ehn.

It's not news that I have a big love for garri, but there are two things that make this list.

1. Am I the only one who notices that my tummy seems to get heavier when I drink water after taking garri?

Like, the garri is just there, swelling and seeing if it can possibly murder me from there. 

Cause of death is bloated stomach. Dumbass didn't stop drinking water.

😂

2. I drink an awful lot of water. 

Like, it's so bad that my aunt went, 'you really like water. They said it's good sha.'

In my mind, I heard, 'are you sure you're okay?' 😂 cos she said it in the same way she says 'you and sugar.' 😂

I make like thirty trips to the kitchen every darn day and I spend only 12hrs of my day downstairs. The other 12 is spent in bed.

Sha, about 10 of these trips are for food and to willingly wash plates 😂 2 are for garri related activities. 18 of these trips are to refill my cup of water. The other 12, I carry my cup with me still.

Is it weird or am I normal?

3. I've had cause to drink garri at 3 a.m.

Yes. I was awake. I was hungry. Garri doesn't disappoint. 

I gladly served myself, took it like the king I am and washed my plate.

I've sung it before and I'll sing it again...

Soaking garri is forever.

Soaking garri is forever.

Soaking garri is forever.

I will always soak garri.

When I have billions of the most valuable currency, I'll still soak garri.

Wahala for who no like garri o. 😂

4. I once laid my bed perfectly at 3 a.m.

No, it wasn't the same day I drank garri at that ungodly hour too 😂

I had washed my bedsheet earlier and I didn't lay my bed when I eventually took it off the line. I get to my room at past 3 and I see my bed isn't laid.

Normally, I'd do wuruwuru and just put the bed sheet on the bed, but my need for perfection decided to kick in.

I laid my bed like it was a Saturday and there was going to be inspection. If you know you know. 😂

I smoothened out the creases, tucked in every end... I even arranged my pillow in the center of the bed when I was going to lie down and move it to the left 😂

The thing was bursting my head as I was going through with it. Dark room, using the brightness of my phone to lay bed. 😂

5. I always sleep on the left side of the bed.

If I'm the only one on the bed, or I'm sharing it, ko mean. It's the left for me 🥴

If my future wife happens to like the left side of the bed, she should get used to spooning me on that side every night. We finna start renting the right side to our kids that might be scared of the dark.

Be like, 'oh. You want to sleep here? That's two slices from your cake for each of us.'

Exploitation, but I mean... It's cake 😂 I'll exploit anybody. 😂

6. I don't rate one-ply tissue. It's two-ply or nothing.

I mean, you sef think about it. 4 squares of one-ply tissue still tears easily. 4 squares of two-ply is hella strong.

Why 4 squares? Cos it has 5 lines. Fold them on the third line, you get 2 squares and 3 lines. Fold on the second line, you get one 'triple reinforced' two-ply square.

Did I also mention I have mild to moderate OCD? 😂

7. I don't take oranges a lot for 2 reasons. 

One, I seem to not be able to take them without getting sores in my mouth, and citruses nauseate me at times. Sad, I know.

Two, I don't like peeling oranges. 😂 Yes. I see those that peel oranges when they sell it and go, 'beht why don't I have this talent?', because what the flippers on a seal is my orange peeling? 😂

I once spent thirty minutes peeling a single orange because I didn't want it to have patches.

Guess what?

I succeeded

...

...

...

At wasting my own time because there were still bloody patches 😂.

So, I just avoid taking oranges.

You're probably like, just buy the peeled ones!

Bold of you to assume I buy any fruits other than Grapes, Apples and Bananas with my own money. 😂

I'd keep going, but this is enough 😂 I'll reserve the rest for another comedy special.

Background music: You want to be chopping my money, calling me honey, whining my body, girl, you are up to something...

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

It's been a wonderful show. I hope you laughed and had an all around great time reading this.

Please, leave your comments and share to your friends so they can laugh too.

I love you all. Love yourself, show some love, and don't forget that God loves you.

See y'all at the next show!

Ciao.

Rousing applause as I walk off stage.