ACT 9: Can I Make You Laugh?: Material For Writers.

 Before we proceed:

This is completely fictional. It is also not intended to offend. Any resemblance to actual people or events is absolutely coincidental. 

Let's goooo.

Round of applause as the lights come on.

*voiceover*
For the first show this week... I present an afternoon of comedy tagged: Can I make you laugh?

It promises to be great, unless it sucks, which I doubt it would, but that's not the point. Keep scrolling, keep your eyes peeled for the punchlines and if you don't laugh... I mean... I tried.

Without further ado, I present... Me!

Curtains open

Background music: Betty no fit leave a brother, ko lóun lọkọ sita laye, laye. Betty no fit hate my mother, ko lóun le wọn síta laye, laye...

I walk out to the mic... I hear applause in my head even though I know you ain't clapping.

Betty no fit chop ofada, ko lóun o ni mu omi laye, laye.

😂

Applause.

Hello! Wow. It is a new week. Yes, my week starts on Sunday. 

It's been like 4 days since the last show, and if you remember, I told you I was looking forward to Saturday.

Well, it came and Omoooo... It was a day, but I got to meet friends I met last year, some that I got closer with this year and I just had a great time hanging with them for the last lap of the hangout. Mask Off 2020 was fun with the people ✨

I also have to say this... Problem, problem. Another problem 😂

Yesterday, I said that more times than I can remember.

Talking about yesterday, I was supposed to anchor an open mic session and get to tell jokes, but I wasn't able to, so, I've decided not to allow the material go to waste, and some of my friends still want to hear it, so... I've converted my material for writers into my written stand up.

Another round of applause.

If you don't get it, you're probably not a writer, or you're a writer that fits into a category I'm going to cover today.

But enough with that. What do you say we try to bring some fun into your day with another afternoon of comedy?

Cheers from the audience

How could this possibly go wrong? 😂

I sip from my red cup that is filled with pepsi. I set the cup down on the stool and take the mic off the mic stand.

Alright...

When it comes to writing, there are those who plan out their stories, and we call them plotters, but then there are people like me who just write as we get the ideas. We're called pantsers.

Now, I'm a pantser with everything 😂 Especially public speaking. There are two main reasons. 1.) I like to flex my ability to speak on things impromptu. Sometimes, I have flashcards, but just a line or two per point. 2.) My handwriting is batshit ugly, so I try to avoid writing as much as possible 😂

So, I had been doing this for a long time and succeeding, but then came a faithful day.

Like, there always comes a faithful day. You can't ever keep doing you, without a day saying: I'm about to run this guy rugged. 😂 Just not possible.

On this faithful day, I signed up for a spoken word contest on a whim, and I went in unprepared. There were about 8 of us and I was to be the fifth person to go up to speak.

In my mind, I thought I'd see what the first two people spoke on before deciding what I'd do and then create my material as my turn neared.

It was a semi okay plan.

...

...

Or so I thought.

😂

The first person goes up and absolutely kills it, talking about unrequited love. So I'm like, I can't talk about Love.

Second person goes up and talks about the government. I never planned to tackle that, but it just made the topic a bigger no-no.

Third person goes up and does Love, but requited, so that put the nail in the Love coffin.

So, I go, 'Fine. I'll talk about Family.' Right? Blood is thicker than water, but sometimes water is what you need, and stuff like that.

I was set.

The fourth person goes up and talks about family.

Inside, I was like...

Outside, I was just smiling.

Mind you, I hadn't even started working on what I was actually going to say.

Needless to say, I was screwed. 😂

I turned to the guy that was supposed to go after me, and like he knew what I was about to ask, he just goes...

To make it worse, the host calls my name.

Not knowing what to do, I walked up on stage to a round of applause.

Now, first thing to remember when you don't know what you're doing...

Do not let people know you don't know what you're doing. 😂

I go up to the mic and introduce myself. 

This is the part where I had to think fast, so I thought, I'll take the first thing that came to mind, and run with it.

So, I took the stance. You know, that stance that shows you're about to deliver some knowledge...

This was exactly what I said... 😂

Twinkle.. Twinkle... Little star

How...

How I wonder what you are.

At this point, I paused. Had to let those lines simmer. 😂

Then I picked back up... At this point, just imagine me being all...

Cos spoken word isn't complete without gesticulating 😂.

I go...

Up above... the world.

So high.

Like a diamond...

A diamond...

In the sky.

A diamond...

At this point, I look at the crowd and they're staring at me so intently, like they'd never heard a nursery rhyme before, so I just ran with it. 😂

I go...

Jack and Jill went up a hill...

A diamond.

But these guys, Jack and Jill,

They went up a hill...

To fetch a pail...

A pail... of water.

A diamond.

Jack, not Jill... but my brother, Jack,

Fell down and broke his leg...

...

...

Women empowerment.

It was at this point their trance broke and one guy in the audience shouted BOOO! so I said 'thank you, good night' and walked off stage with my head held high.

😂

Sips from my cup of pepsi.

This is going to be a long one 😂 for those who were at the event, I had this ready to go, but now, I have to type it all 😪😂

Anyway...

Making comedy for writers is like writing love letters for writers. Some times, they get it and appreciate it. Some times, they just point out the flaws in it 😂.

First, we need to do more of writing love letters with pen and paper, and not this instant messaging thingy 😂 

Like take me back to high school days when you would write a letter and then sneak it to the person or sneak it into the person's locker. 

Feel like you completed the most successful drug deal ever, except, instead of getting money or high, you go back to your hostel and cry your eyes out because you saw them read your letter and tear it to shreds during prep. 😂

But back to the main point, I want you to imagine this scenario...

You write a love letter to someone, a writer, and you sneak it into their locker. Then, you jet. You just exit the area so that you wont have to shalaye yourself to sleep. 😂

Then, you come back, open your locker and there is a note there waiting for you.

At this point, your mind has gone. You've written 20 poems and 5 short stories about your undying love for each other and all your escapades.

You finally relax and open the letter.

First thing you notice is... it's your handwriting 😂

It's the letter you sent, except this time, there's a lot of red ink and at the bottom is a note from them saying I appreciate this, but pay attention to the corrections. 😂

You've legit just been given the WAEC English treatment. 😂

So, yh... That's how it feels trying to make writers laugh with jokes specifically on writing and its other siblings.

Hopefully, I'm making you laugh. And if you're a writer and you don't laugh...

Problem, problem. Another problem. 😂

Sips from my cup of pepsi. Chuckles at the applause.

Thank you. Thank you.

Man...

Speaking about love and writers, dating a non-writer is difficult.

Like, dating a writer is not advisable, because we know by ourselves that e get as we be...

But dating a non-writer? Hell. 😂

I was on a date with this girl and we were talking and asking each other questions, like basically getting to know each other.

One thing led to another and she started telling me about her favourite comedians. There was Kevin Hart, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock... Basically every household name in comedy 😂.

Then I asked one simple question: do you know any Christian Comics?

Cos I was going to make a joke about how hard it is to tell only Christian jokes.

She goes, I don't read much.

Now, I wasn't even angry about the fact that she doesn't read much. E dey happen.

What annoyed me is the fact that she thought I was asking about comic books.

I legit went 'you clearly don't read at all,' and walked out.

Applause.

Thank you! Thank you!

Background music: Stacking up my money, no time for your ****. Money Ku la po, me no care for your hate. Me no fighting...

It's been a wonderful show. I know it's long, but I hope you laughed and had an all around great time reading this.

I want to say thank you to everyone who has been at every show. Y'all keep me going. The comments on here, the reactions in my DMs and in person... It's just so nice to see that you're running with this, as weird as it might be.

Thank you once again!

Please, leave your comments and share to your friends so they can laugh too.

I love you all. Love yourself, show some love, and don't forget that God loves you.

See y'all at the next show!

Ciao.

Rousing applause as I walk off stage.