ACT 12: Can I Make You Laugh?: The Biggest Snitch of All Time.

 Before we proceed:

This is completely factual. It is also not intended to offend. Psyche! Get in your feelings 😂 Any resemblance to actual people or events is absolutely intentional. 

Let's goooo.

Round of applause as the lights come on.

*voiceover*
For the second show this year... I present an afternoon of comedy tagged: Can I make you laugh?

It promises to be great, unless it sucks, which I doubt it would, but that's not the point. Keep scrolling, keep your eyes peeled for the punchlines and if you don't laugh... I mean... I tried.

Without further ado, I present... Me!

Curtains open

Background music: Omoge Manchester, sha le wa united. Ẹru to gbe yẹn lo jẹ kin wa delighted. Iwọ gan ni captain, oo tiẹ need jersey...

I walk out to the mic... I hear applause in my head even though I know you ain't clapping.

Let me just tell you ahead of time...

I'm talking about soft drinks for the whole of today's show. So, it's probably going to be a short show 😂

Applause.

Hello! Wow.

More applause.

It's 13 days into 2021 and I find that we still have to tell people to wear their masks or stay inside.

Please, wear a nose mask when you're outside, and if you don't have a reason to go out, stay inside.

Na God I take beg you. No use agidi spoil everybody own.

Another round of applause.

But enough with that. What do you say we try to bring some fun into your day with another afternoon of comedy?

More cheers from the audience

How could this possibly go wrong? 😂

I sip from my red cup that is filled with pepsi. I set the cup down on the stool and take the mic off the mic stand.

Alright...

First things first.

If you actively like any of the Bigi drinks, you're a cultist.

Yes. I said what I said 😂.

How do you drink Bigi Cola and feel okay? Or drink Bigi Tropical and not have a bad day. 

Tell me. I'm genuinely curious.

Bigi drinks are so bad, I am sceptical about their water 😂.

I see bottled water with the Bigi brand and I go "oh hell noooooooooo" 😂

The only drinks in their lineup that are mildly manageable are Bigi Apple and Bigi Chapman.

But those ones sef, wọn a fi aftertaste ba show jẹ 😭😂

They'll use aftertaste to spoil the whole experience. (For y'all who need translation 😂)

I... 😂

Omo 😂

If we ever go out and you use your money to buy Bigi Orange, I'll be forever afraid of you 😭😂.

Applause.

Takes another sip from my cup.

If you're wondering, my favourite soft drink is Pepsi. I was brought up on it.

There's a small part of Lagos where I'm teased with the phrase "orobo Pepsi" 😂

Yeah. 

Basically, I used to spend time at my aunt's place since I was a little little boy, and I guess when I became legal soft drinks age, I was given Pepsi and I loved it.

Back then in 2005, 2006, there was this 50cl bottle and when you wanted to get a drink, you'd say "I want to buy Orobo Pepsi" or something like that and they'd bring you that bottle.

Yeah. I always got this bottle. I didn't ask for it. I was always offered.

I've been a charming boy since I was little.

Just step into the place and they be like "Pelumi, shey you'll drink orobo Pepsi?" or "Mr. President, come and drink orobo Pepsi."

Yes, my name is Pelumi and I have people who only call me that 😂 and yes, I've been nicknamed Mr. president since I was little.

But yeah, you can see why I drink Pepsi at every show 🌚😂

Sips from my cup of Pepsi.

Since we're on memory lane, let's talk about GoldSpot and Limca.

I'll trade the whole Bigi franchise to get these two back if I could.

Those drinks were insane.

You'd pull up to a naming ceremony and look through the crates of drinks as they put the drinks in the drums.

If you see coke and Fanta only, you're not all that bothered. But when you see Schweppes, Mirinda, GoldSpot and Limca, along with Coke and Fanta, you know you're about to have a bomb day 😂

If you give me Bigi at an event, I'll be tempted to leave it behind🥴😂

I'm kidding. I dont waste soft drinks 😂

But I'll have mixed feelings drinking it abeg 😭

Round of applause.

Mehn...

I remember when I had my Mountain Dew phase. I had a bottle of Mountain Dew 6 days a week for about a year (except on holidays)

If I was in school, I'd take at least 2 bottles of Mountain Dew.

Yes...

I had a problem, but look at me now. I've only taken one bottle of soft drink since last year 😂

Had to use the dumb line 🤷🏽‍♂️🥴😂

But no doubt, Mountain Dew slapssss, until you take too much of it.

The nausea that I get from taking this drink, especially on road trips is criminal 😭

And that brings me to the next drink: Fanta.

Like, I know Coke, Fanta and Pepsi are the big 3, but Fanta is legit only surviving because of its name 😭😂

Fanta is just very weird.

That weird orange-y citrusy aftertaste is almost Bigi level, but manageable.

Don't get me wrong, I'd buy Fanta and drink it, but that doesn't mean I won't complain.

The fun is in the complaining 😂.

😂

I was in the kitchen some days ago when my uncle walked in. He had put a can of Fanta in the freezer, it got really frozen and so he had then put it in water bath (a cup of water, before you think he put it in an actual bath 😭😂).

When he came in, he took out the can and opened it, only to find that it was still majorly frozen, and as he was trying to figure out what to do, he went "I just wasted my favourite drink."

And he was saying it on repeat.

I was just there in the corner like...

Pause.

"How is Fanta your favourite drink? I'm sorry, sir, but omo... Fanta? Explain it to me. Balance the equation 😭😂"

I didn't say it aloud, but I didn't think it. I muttered it.

I was about to risk a lot just because he said Fanta is his favourite drink. That's the height 😂.

Laughter and cheers from the audience.

After Pepsi, the drink I take most is Coca-Cola. It's the best alternative. It's good, except when you've tasted another country's version. Nigeria's coke is sincerely meh, but we move 😂

Still gon' drink it.

Another sip from my cup of pepsi.

Let's talk about Malt for a bit. 😂

If you hate Malt, you belong in the category of people that like Bigi and like Semo. I don't make the rules. 😂

And also, before there was Tekashi 69, there was Can Malt.

Can Malt is the biggest snitch of all time. Argue with your plastic bottles.

How will I say I want to drink Malt at 1 a.m., a time when I need to be damn quiet, and can malt will decide to do it's best Big Shaq impression.

"The thing go skssssssh paop," and the way this thing echoes 😭

Stupid thing will now really foam up.

The whole experience is annoying 😂.

Cheers from the audience.

At this point, y'all probably wondering why I haven't mentioned 7up. Mafọ 😂

I drink 7up once in a while. It's aii. I at least rate it higher than Fanta.

But... 😂

If you're a consistent drinker of 7up, Like you drink it the same way I drink Pepsi, then you've definitely drunk kerosene before 😂.

Yeah. I said it. 😂

Because na 7up bottle dey everly act as kerosene bottle 🤷🏽‍♂️😂

Background music: Just let me know if you no wan do again. I no go disturb you, I no go stress you. Just don't call me back o...

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

It's been a wonderful show. I know I said it'd be short, but I got too into the material 😂. I hope you laughed and had an all around great time reading this.

Please, leave your comments and share to your friends so they can laugh too.

I love you all. Love yourself, show some love, and don't forget that God loves you.

Gentle reminder that Bigi drinks suck. 😂

See y'all at the next show!

Ciao.

Rousing applause as I walk off stage.